Sitcom Writing Class: Why I'm Glad I Took One

In the winter of 1999, I took a sitcom writing class. I had just gotten back from Morocco (I travel, at times). One of the things I remember most from that class is that the teacher relentlessly made fun of my Moroccan hat.

It was a huge shapeless knit wool toque with a tassel and a balaclava-type facemask that you could roll up into a sort of brim. I thought it was cool (because it was Moroccan). He did not (because it was absurd).

He had been a writer and producer on one of the cultural juggernaut sitcoms of the 90’s (you’d recognize it), and he knew a ton about the writing process, and sitcom structure, and generating ideas, and jokes, and characters, and dialogue, and voice. He knew it, and could explain it in a way that made sense to me (two very different things). I learned. And wrote. And learned.

The class ended. I went to a party at his and his girlfriend’s apartment once, and met a woman I found very attractive, and she clearly found me attractive (I was not wearing my hat), and then at some point we were in the kitchen and somebody had brought flowers and my teacher’s girlfriend was putting them in a vase and she and the woman I had been doing so well with disagreed about how short to cut the stems and how much water to put in the vase and the argument got more heated and I was perceived as taking the side of the woman I had been talking to (by both of them, as I recall (“Right, Sean?” “How the hell would he know?”). 

We didn’t keep in touch. But I wrote more, and learned more. For years.

And eventually I got hired to write for a network sitcom (a cultural limp damp zephyr sitcom  of the Aughts, you wouldn’t know it). And the first episode I wrote was set to air on November 24, 2005. Thanksgiving.

So that Wednesday evening I Googled him. Or maybe asked Jeeves. I hadn’t seen him in five years. 

I found an office number at a university where he was teaching. It was too late in the day to get him directly, so I dialed the number hoping to leave him a voicemail thanking him for everything he had taught me (I wasn’t gonna bring up the flowers thing). 

“Hello?”

We talked for a while that night. I had lunch with him when I went back to New York for Christmas, and have almost every year since. When I was hired to run a writers’ room for the first time, I sent him an email that basically said “WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?” 

He sent me back an email that was pages and pages long, filled with both practical advice and spiritual encouragement.

I still have it. I still refer to it regularly.

I no longer have the hat.


Sean ConroyComment
Punched in the Face at Trader Joe's

Welcome to Trader Joe’s, a world of snacks and fruit and tiny carts and terrible parking.

And everybody cares about you. EVERYBODY. 

You can tell by the way they talk to you. They wanna know about you. They wanna CONNECT.

 I’m checking out, and the cashier is maybe trying to make me feel like a valued member of society, about whom people care. Even though I am at Trader Joe’s at 8 PM on a Friday night, so, not that valued?

“How’s your Friday night going?”

CONNECT.

 Hm. A note there, perhaps.... is he challenging me? Like, “Hey man, it’s Friday night, what are you even doing here?” Or, is he just being temporally aware and forthcoming?

 Sometimes I think it might be me.

 I tell him I ‘m gonna go home and catch a movie or something.

 “Yeah, man, I don’t have much going on either.”

 Maybe it’s not a challenge. Maybe he really is just trying to connect. But still, he’s actually working, not just walking around Hollywood looking for Greek yogurt (democracy may die, but yogurt will definitely survive- thanks Greece).

 He goes on. “Yeah, man, the only thing that might make my night interesting is if somebody comes up and punches me in the face.”

 That would make my Friday night more interesting too, if that happened to me. I don’t know if I would describe it as the ONLY way. There are lots of other ways: alien invasion, towering inferno, Sasquatch, a mashed turnips side with dinner… wait.

 Another way that would make my Friday night more interesting is if I was the one who punched him in the face.

 Is he challenging me again?

 Punch him in the face?

“Seven Kings Must Die” wasn’t a great movie, but I enjoyed it, having watched the show for 5 seasons. Uhtred son of Uhtred, born a Saxon and raised a Dane, fights the Battle of Brunanburh in 937, and he gets what he’s ultimately wanted (including, but not limited to, the unification of the English kingdom!) (by the way, how come nobody ever realized in these medieval battles that if the other guys are letting you charge, they have a plan? You’re about to run into ditches filled with flaming oil or buried spikes or caltrops or leaf-covered banana peels or bowls of dry cereal with no milk or something?).

 

And I enjoyed my coffee dark chocolate cashews.